The unthinkable has happened. Someone you love has told you they have cancer… and you have no clue how to react.
Should you stay positive and help them stay positive? Should you cry and hold them while they cry? Should you carry on as normal and pretend it’s not a big deal so they don’t know you’re freaking out inside? Or should you admit to them you have no clue how to support them right now?
Overthinking how to support someone you love is a sign you care. It can be hard to know which path to take, and it is important to stay mindful. So here are some tips from someone who’s been on both sides of the cancer challenge—both having cancer and caring for someone with cancer.
Just Be Present
Focus on listening. Focus on asking questions and listening again instead of making assumptions or statements that might come across as judgments.
There are different stages and phases of cancer. How someone feels about their cancer journey will change from the beginning to the middle to 5 years after treatment. “Tell me how you’re feeling” or even a simple “I’m here” will go a long way.
For many, cancer is never a “thing of the past.” If you stay present for the long-haul you are giving them the gift of walking with them through their experience, whatever may come, something that takes empathy, kindness and bravery.
Be a Support Person
When someone has cancer, it’s a good idea to bring a support person to doctor visits, such as a partner or spouse, a friend or a family member.
The stress of being told that they have cancer makes it difficult to hear, understand and remember all the information from the doctor. The support person can help listen and process information, offer physical and emotional comfort, and take notes.
A support person can also raise additional questions that someone going through cancer may not think of in the moment. If you have a friend or family member who’s been diagnosed with cancer and you have flexibility to attend appointments with them, offer to attend.
You can find a list of questions to ask the oncologist here. Later, you can also offer to be a companion during chemotherapy infusions.
Ask What They Need, and Keep Asking
During a cancer diagnosis and treatment, what someone needs may change wildly from week to week, but if you want to be a supporter for them, don’t wait for them to ask for what they need.
Each time you check in with them, in addition to asking them what they need, make specific offers of support. Examples include a home-cooked meal, doing their laundry for them, or a gentle walk through the park. Sometimes, it can just be a hug.
You can help your loved one create a “call schedule” of who to call for daily assistance or emergencies based on schedules. You can also create a calendar of assigned activities based on everyone’s availability.
Everyone’s cancer journey is different, and support and comfort will look different for each individual’s journey, but if you remember these three guidelines, you will be able to adapt to what your loved one needs during their journey.
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